What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

This was so moving!!

Thought Catalog

“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a…

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Summer, allergies, and prednisone. The life of an allergy dog.

Summer, allergies, and prednisone.

This summer has been one of trial and error when it comes to managing Rhea’s allergies. She has had six hot spots. We both are plagued by severe allergies and at one point this summer both Rhea and I were prednisone. It amazes me how much a like canine and human allergies react the same way. Rhea sneezes, coughs, and breaks out in rashes from her allergies; which is similar to a human.
Sometimes it can be heart breaking when I see the open wound from the hot spot that sprang up over night. Sometimes, we cannot go to the park or play outside much because it is just too hot, too much pollen, or too much dust. We live in rural Arkansas. There is nothing here except dust and farms.
Here’s a glimpse into the life of Rhea:
We go to the vet one to three times a month. This summer we have done steroid drops, pills, and antibiotics on top of her two immunotherapy shots every 7 days. We also do heart worm preventative with worm, fleas, and other parasite protection it once a month. Rhea is allergic to wasps, ants, dust, blue grass, Bermuda grass, pollen, mold, mildew, wheat, yeast, pork, venison, turkey, fleas, and cats.
It is impossible to keep every allergen away and I know sometimes Rhea does not feel the best but she always wags her and shows her love of life and her family.

It shows great strength for her to endure everything she has to go through and yet she still loves life and getting dirty!

We can learn so much from animals.


Tonight, instead of complaining or whining about how miserable I feel, I want to take a moment to thank God for allowing me to be here one more day. I am so blessed and thankful for everyone in my life. I am blessed with parents would move mountains for me, and always reminded me not to forget the road home despite where my travels have taken me. I am blessed with cousins and friends that check on me even if we have not spoke for days. I am blessed with a church family that prays for me and loves me. I am blessed with my love, we have our moments but always find forgiveness in our hearts and minds to love unconditionally. I am so blessed with a rambunctious loving Rhea, in her own special way she understands me more than most humans.

I am grateful for the opportunity to suffer in sickness and rejoice in health. I am blessed to know the difference between a good day and a great day. I pray that no matter what happens, I will always be thankful for suffering. As long as there is suffering, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is faith.

Even though I feel miserable, I am so happy to be a live each day and able to endure and preserve. I am blessed. I am loved.


High on baby

High on baby

I came across a woman the other day, an acquaintance, who was high on baby. You know the type, she came running up to the group of women I was with and started giving us the details of her niece being born. She told us about how she held her sister’s leg and watched the miracle of life take place. We listened to each detail no matter how in depth she spoke about the encounter. She teared up as she finished the story by telling us how she changed the first diaper.
Before you know it, everyone is high on baby. We are oohing and awwing and cooing over every picture of this frog like angel. It was a miracle, a natural high. Seven pounds of angel and cute chunky cheeks!
As I retold the story as it was relayed to me I began to smile and it happened again. I was high on baby. It awakes the maternal aspect of us women and it releases chemicals. There is nothing like the smell of a newborn, that moment tiny hands grasp your finger. For me, it is an instant and natural connection. I love children, especially babies. The cute yawns and smiles. The innocence and hope for a better tomorrow.

It is such a lovely thing to be high on the joy of life.


Love is work.

Love is work. I have been been evaluating lately how much effort someone has to put into relationships of all kinds. Love is work. Love is unconditional. Love is exhausting. Love is rewarding. Those are some of the aspects of love that I have been discovering over the last year. Work is required even in friendships, especially long distance friendships. You have to force yourself to maintain connection either via social media or in person with your click. It requires communication and effort. Romantic love, however, is the most exhausting to me. But it is also the most rewarding. It requires work, sacrifice, and commitment to serve, love, and accept every side of someone twenty four seven. However, it is the most rewarding feeling and emotion to love someone so much you are devoted to their well being. It gives you a confidence and security that can move mountains. This can also apply to friendships, relationship with your pet, family, or some thing else you believe in that means something to you.

Love is amazingly disastrous and equally rewarding as it is work.

A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’


Imagine this:

The year is 2014. You are a white Western woman. You wake up in the morning in a comfortably sized house or flat. You have a full or part-time job that enables you to pay your rent or mortgage. You have been to school and maybe even college or university as well. You can read and write and count. You own a car or have a driver’s licence. You have enough money in your own bank account to feed and clothe yourself. You have access to the Internet. You can vote. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend of your choosing, who you can also marry if you want to, and raise a family with. You walk down the street wearing whatever you feel like wearing. You can go to bars and clubs and sleep with whomever you want.

Your world is full of freedom and possibility.

Then you…

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Raise your voice

This was wrote to express my feelings after speaking with someone that made me realize it’s okay to feel this way. This was the first time I didn’t feel guilty for standing my ground. I owned it.

Yes, I’m a bitch. Thank you for reminding me. It use to hurt my feelings when someone called me a bitch. It almost hurt my feelings this time, but then I realized that I’m okay with that. I am okay that someone thinks I’m a bitch. Sometimes I am a bitch.
But If being a bitch means that I communicate my needs and wants even when it is not the most convenient time for you but is essential to my mental state. Then, by all means, slap that label on me. I will wear it proudly.
If I feel neglected emotionally, mentally, or physically I will be the first to express myself. If I think that the dynamic in which something was built upon has changed, I’m going to tell you. If I feel like something is one sided and a matter of convenience to the point I can’t stomach it – you can bet your pretty little head that I am going to raise my voice. If standing up for my needs, wants, and expectations in which I am willing and have met yours, but mine are leaving something to be desires. I am going to let you know. I will tell you when you are being an ass. I will try to do respectfully and in the most gentle way possible. But don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.
Don’t mistake my communication for whining. We are adults. Children whine. Dogs whine. I am a woman, above and before I am anything else. I am a woman. I am a young woman. I am secure in myself enough to be able to admit that sometimes it’s not always easy to deal with me. I know that I am a handful. I also believe whole heartedly that it’s okay. I accept it.
It’s because I live life with the same passion I submit, advocate for, or serve with – that fire inside me? You don’t get to choose when it’s turned on or not. It burns always. It lights up my world.
That same passion I put behind accepting whatever you want to dish out and doing so gracefully is the same passionate that you think is a pain in the butt when it is not pleasant. It doesn’t come with a switch to turn on and off. Life doesn’t work that way.
I have had to work on accepting this fact. I have talked with so many women that feel so hurt and insecure about being truthful, honest, and blunt. It is amazing to love yourself, but to fully love it has to be unconditional; especially, when it comes to loving yourself.

Closing this up I want to remind you that there is a difference between being malicious and spiteful and being blunt, honest, and standing up for yourself.

Use your courage wisely.

So, yes, I will proudly wear the “Bitch” title proudly.


Ever wonder what love is?

Do you ever wonder what love is?

Sometimes I find myself wondering endlessly about whether or not I really know what love is, if I have ever loved, or been loved. I’m here to tell you that you find love in the most random and insignificant acts of kindness from the most unusual sources.

Yesterday, I was babysitting my three year old nephew. We had a good afternoon. I take HRT the first ten days every month and it makes me cry easily. I was upset by something. I couldn’t hold back my tears. My eyes were “leaking” and he didn’t understand why I was crying.

Naturally, he went through his three hear old rolodex. When he first spotted my tears, he says, “you crying Ducky! What’s wrong?” I explained to him that I was okay. He insist that my eyes were “leaking” and I needed to fix them. Then, he tells me he can fix a tractor like his daddy. At this point, I’m sitting there trying to calm down and he walks in after disappearing with a wet wash cloth that I used twenty minutes before to wash him. He wipes my face.
This three foot four inch fifty pound three year old in his short years on earth showed me more compassion and empathy than most grown people ever would. He wiped my face and have me a hug and kiss. He told me, “it will be okay Ducky!l”

Right then, at that moment, I knew that I was loved. I knew that no one would ever take that away from me. It reminded me that love comes in all shapes and sizes and in the smallest forms from the most minuscule places. There is charity, kindness, and empathy in unexpected places. It might be your child, nephew, dog, or a stranger that held an elevator. If you don’t notice any small action, create one. Always pass along the kindness and compassion that someone has shared with you. You never know who out there just needs a little kindness.

[my nephew calls me, “Aunt Ducky” aka Ducky”]

I’m a Taurus

I am definitely a Taurus! This was an interesting read and beautifully expressed.

Mein Herz Brennt

Well, since my birthday is coming up on 28th I thought about writing about astrological signs and how they are interpreted. By astrology I’m a Taurus and here’s some information about a Taurus woman:

The Taurus woman is feminine, soft and highly diplomatic. She has a lyrical speaking voice that soothes and comforts you, and she could even have a talented singing voice (Barbara Streisand is a Taurus). Ruled by Venus, Taurus is a sign which adores the arts–from music to painting–and will enthusiastically go to any cultural event her lover suggests. Outwardly, the Taurus woman may appear relaxed and inactive, then all of a sudden she can shudder and a great eruption takes place. The normal somewhat placid and caring nature of the Taurus girl should never be taken for granted. While she is in every way, a very loyal and resolute individual, she should never be deceived or…

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The journey of my faith

I have a wonderful relationship with God. It was strong until my late teens and then it disappeared for a while in my very early twenties. Recently, however, I have renewed my faith and my spirit. I started going to church and became apart of a church family. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Do I agree with all of my religious doctrine? Do we all share the same political views? No, but that is what makes it so wonderful. I am enlightened to different perspectives and view points while I am learning about Jesus Christ and accepting him as my savior. I was Baptized this year and it was a life changing experience. My mother and I did it together a form of bonding, with ourselves and with our church. I am pretty liberal for some taste, but I’m too conservative in other aspects to truly consider myself a liberal. I am somewhere in the middle and lean towards independent thinking. I am going to vote and advocate for which party I feel is meeting my interest and expectations of political leadership.

Back to my faith – I went to a very dark place in the middle of an on again and off again relationship. It took me awhile to rediscover my self worth and push myself to get the heck out of dodge! My faith helped me leave an unhealthy relationship that had been on going for four years. I felt lost, guilty, ashamed, and afraid of the future. Slowly, I started reading the bible and actually enjoying getting up early to go church. I’m not saying to have faith you MUST attend church. In all honesty, I don’t care what your religion is as long as you believe in something. It is not my place to judge or make comments about your personal choices; as long as you treat me with respect I will respect you. It helps if you like dogs. I’m just kidding, well not really. I am a huge animal lover.

My faith is tied to my Christianity. I am Christian and proud of it. I accept Jesus Christ as my savior and I believe he truly died for my sins. I will never measure up to Him. But that’s okay. I just want to leave my little piece of the world in a better place than I found it. I want to have an impact, as naive as that sounds, I truly mean it. I love people. I love getting into their faith and beliefs and seeing what makes them as a person. As I read the bible, I get more and more into the parables and how they still apply to life today. It has changed much theoretically, we still have very human issues and problems. The next time you are down, remember that something out there is looking after you. It will be okay. Through faith, hope, and charity anything is possible.